Nu-Cunts On The Block

I’m too young to remember old rave but this nu-rave stuff is bollocks. My research shows that rave didn’t happen that long ago anyway - I think it was somewhere way back in the midst of time - shit wait wasn't it was around the early nineties? So its not really old or anything is it. Not like skiffle. Or big band. As there is now nu-rave, does that mean we will now get nu-brit pop, nu-trip hop, nu-reggae? I don’t really see the point. Rave culture in the early nineties happened when the ecstasy culture was at its peak and it was never about fashion, just about the music and the quality drugs that could be scored, getting sweaty and having a good time was all that mattered back then. Now every club you go to is full of coked up assholes or dribbling k-heads. Where once people cracked open a warehouse and had it large, now its 30 quid a ticket in a car park smelling of piss.

The reason I mention I nu-rave is that many of my contemporaries seem to go on about this scene as though Jesus Christ himself has donned a 80’s Nike shell suit, some glow sticks and a neon bum bag, moved to Shoreditch and is playing keyboard for Shit Disco. Every other cunt I talk to is either suddenly a DJ playing ragga mixed with the accapella from Paul McCartneys Frog Song, or has started a band with a fisher price keyboard and an simon says electronic game. It’s all bollocks in my opinion.

In a long list of shit kids peddling this crap the worst offenders must be The Coconut Twins. They play something called ghetto tech, a name that sounds so futuristic to me, I don’t think I'll know what it means until some time around the year 2020. My eyes actually ache from looking at their neon glow and I have to ask where the fuck did it all go wrong? These two might be very nice girls for all I know but the shit they're coming out with must make their parents blush. Their myspace is so like a dispatch from right on the cutting edge of now, it's like staring into the end of the world. Apparently their DJING IN LDN THIS FRIDAY. Being DJ's as well as fashion designers, and ex-editors of nu-rave bible super super. So they have all of societies most useful occupations covered in one. The Coconut Twits dress themselves amidst a style that wouldn't go amiss in Spike Lee's 'Do The Right Thing'. Probably hoping that dressing like the hood will give them some sort of credibility that every other aspect of their existence lacks. To bring 90s American ghetto fashion into the equation, booty dancing, neon shit-patterned clothes and cheap gold surely takes a stylistic genius or far too many drugs. They say things like “Check the dates mang!” and generally go around acting like DJING in Shoreditch and “around the world” is a excuse for looking like the biggest tossers this side of a BBC commissioners Christmas party. At least we can rest easy in the knowlege that by next week, they'll probably be out of fashion.