St.Valentines Day Massacre

Regular readers might have picked up I rather like a girl at work nicknamed Stella girl. Her real name is Gemma but everyone calls her Stella Girl because she made the faux pass of buying some cans of Stella Artois instead of expensive Japanese bottled imports when she was sent out to get some beers. While everyone else thinks shes a bit of calamity, I happen to think shes really cute. I don't mind wiping up the slugs trail of coffee that she leaves behind her when shes delivering drinks, or taking the blame when she fucks someones lunch order up. I’m not great with the ladies but I decided I'd go for Valentines; I think she likes me, she laughs at my jokes and sometimes twiddles her hair when we talk (I’ve heard that’s good).

Valentines day started well. I was in the kitchen waiting for her to check in, knowing full well what was waiting for her on the front desk. Toby (another runner) came in, happy as usual as he hasn’t got a care in the fucking world. He just works as a runner while he waits for the trust fund to kick in, and Daddy gives him a fat weekly wedge to top up his measly runners paycheck. Toby stood there in his American Apparel garb looking like a glowsticks vomited over him, and starts making conversation with me even though I tried my best to ignore him in case Gemma showed up. He continued to spew out some shit about his band, six twats and a drum machine, who are apparently playing at Bestival this year. I have no interest in this at all, but then suddenly he says: “Did you see Stella girl got some flowers for Valentines?”.

Of course I know this. I sent them to her. But trying to play it cool I answered: “Really? When did that happen”.

“Just before lunch, she’s well happy”.

Everything was going to plan. “Does she have any idea who sent them?” I asked.

Toby smiled “ This is what’s great right, she thinks Dixon sent them to her but he didn’t”.

"DIXON!? What! Why does she think Dixon, Dixon the editor would have sent them”.

“Because Dixon’s been pumping Stella girl since the Christmas party behind his missus’ back, even did it in the Fincham once - I thought everyone knew that, he was flexing his muscles at the CCTV while banging her. He's posted the tapes on x-tube if you want to watch it. Dixons a legend!”

Dixon….Dixon DIXON FUCKING CUNTFACE!!!

“Dixon’s gonna get his balls proper dipped for the flowers and he didn’t even send them!” (makes dj motions with his hands) "Put your hands up for Dixon!".

I was in complete shock, I felt like I had been kicked in the balls. I stared into his smug trustafarian face as he sniggered away doing Dixons stupid catchphrase, and I actually felt my right hand tense into a fist. If I hit him hard enough, right in the middle of his face, then maybe I could send his nose cartilage right into his brain killing him instantly.

But instead, I went outside and smoked a cigarette. This is just my fucking luck, I finally grow some balls and once again I get shat on by the tosser whos higher up in the industry than me. I went back in the kitchen and the phone rang. It was Dixon after his usual cup of 'Builders'.

Rather than say something I just got on and did it. What a pussy. But little did Dixon know, that teabag that I'd been keeping up my ass crack for the past two weeks (just in case anyone really fucked me off, a trick I learnt from a friend of mine) made him a lovely cup of (organic) tea. He even rang to state the fact. So although I've lost the girl, I may still win the war. This is just the beginning. Put your fucking hands up now Dixon!