10 Things I hate about Glastonbury

1. Mud and piss and shit and rain and the people in the above picture (shit four already just mud then)

2. People who have gone there solely because it’s the place to go and get your picture taken for a facebook profile.

3. The way it tries to hang on to hippy non conformist credentials when a few years ago purchasing a ticket became some sort of Orwellian big brother nightmare, I mean putting photo id on tickets, do you want the microchip implant as well, fuck off please.

4. BBC, the Guardian etc hooting off constantly about it being the best music festival in the world from the comfort of the media lounge.

5. The fact that there is indeed a great array of music on offer but that your unlikely to get to see much of it,because the place is so big stages are in different postcodes. Unless your happy with the diet of piss weak flavor of the month indie bands that play the Pyramid and Other stages most the time. The Hoosiers, why do they exist again?

6. 177,500 people. Just because some of them might like the same music as me it does not in anyway mean i will like them, just because someone likes the same colour as me it does not mean ill like them either. 177,500 people is a fuck lot of people and a good ninety nine percent of them will probably irritate me.

7. Speaking of which, at several points of the weekend a pervy BBC cameraman will zoom in on a girl in a strap top, straw cowboy hat, big sunglasses and wellies still looking hot despite the traces of mud and vomit over her. First the cameraman will tighten up his focus by zooming into the girls breasts but that bits not shown. What the audience will see is the girl on a blokes shoulders realizing she is on the big video screen and also being broadcast to the whole nation, after being caught like a rabbit in the headlights she will then seize the chance to show how much fun she is having, though not go as far as the classic slutty rock chick and bare her breasts. People always get over excited at festivals as though they really want everyone else to know their having the ‘time of their life’. Nothing you see here is ever going to be as good as these people think it is.


8 Flags (look at me,look at me)

9. Drugs. They are a part of any festival, they can add to the enjoyment and perception of a weekend in a field. They can also make you think your whole head is about to cave in. At Glastonbury the professionals come out to play, no weekend warriors here, these cunts have a different type of Special K for breakfast. Why bother spending all that money to subject your body to three days of torture, they play music at Guantanamo bay as well.

10. Jo Whiley